7 Ways to Confront the Sin of Sharp Words

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5:00 AM on Tuesday, September 16

By Whitney Hopler, Slideshows

1. Embrace the power of a gentle answer.

When someone is rude to us, we’re tempted to be rude back. But Proverbs 15:1 recommends a better strategy: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” A gentle answer requires self-control, and both gentleness and self-control are fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), so we can ask the Holy Spirit to help us respond with a gentle answer to de-escalate a volatile situation after someone speaks sharp words to us. Sharp words are like gasoline, causing fire to break out and spread uncontrollably. A gentle answer, however, is like cool water that helps put the fire out.

When we respond to a sharp remark with deliberate gentleness, we change the entire dynamic of the encounter. Instead of fighting a war of words, we become peacemakers. We can give a gentle answer by lowering our own voice when the other person raises theirs. We can also do so by saying something like: “I can hear that you’re very upset, and I want to understand why,” instead of making a rude comment back to the person. It can be helpful to remember that everyone is made in God’s image. Even when someone is being rude, we can still honor God’s image in them by choosing a gentle answer in return. That will help you and the other person avoid conflict and have a more constructive conversation than would be possible otherwise.

The Bible tells us in 1 Peter 2:23 that Jesus chose not to respond to people’s sharp words with more sharp words: “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.”

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2. Learn to listen well.

One of the main reasons words turn sharp is that we sometimes speak before we truly listen. We can be so busy thinking about what we plan to say next that we fail to hear the other person’s words well. James 1:19 urges us: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening comes first, and it’s the only quality on the list that we’re told to be “quick” to do. Speaking and becoming angry are choices we should be slow to make. This can be the antidote to many verbal conflicts.

Listening well involves putting aside our own agendas and asking clarifying questions before making assumptions. For example, if a friend says something sharp like: “You’re always too busy for me,” our first instinct might be to defensively list our many obligations that keep us busy. But we can choose to ask something like: “It sounds like you’re feeling neglected. Can you tell me more about that?” Then, we can listen with our full attention. This approach validates the other person’s feelings, even if we don’t agree with their assessment of the situation. Often, sharp words are just a clumsy expression of a deeper pain, like fear or frustration.

By listening well, we move past the sinful expression (the sharp words) and get to the root issue (the underlying pain). This doesn’t excuse the sin of sharp words, but it lets us communicate respect and love.

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3. Understand the wisdom of silence.

Even though people in this fallen world sometimes mistake silence for weakness, being silent is a sign of spiritual strength. It’s not necessary for us to say something back to the people who speak sharp words to us. In fact, sometimes the most loving and effective response is no response at all. Proverbs 17:27-28 tells us: “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has a cool spirit is a person of understanding. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.”

There are times when giving a verbal response will only escalate the conflict and lead to more sin. The wisdom of silence is not the same as the “silent treatment,” which is a manipulative and passive-aggressive tool. Being silent with wise restraint is a Spirit-led choice not to speak when we recognize that our own emotions are too raw, that the other person is too angry to listen, or that the timing and place are wrong for a productive conversation. This prevents us from saying something in the heat of the moment that we’ll later regret. It gives us the time we need to pursue discernment from the Holy Spirit about the wisest ways to move forward. In his earthly life, Jesus was sometimes silent with people who spoke sharp words to him. For example, Matthew 27:12-14 records that before Jesus’ accusers and Pontius Pilate, “he gave no answer” and “made no reply.”

Jesus’ silence showed his complete control and trust in his Father’s sovereign plan. Learning when to speak and when to be silent is a sign of spiritual strength.

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4. Examine our own hearts.

When we’re offended and hurt by people’s sharp words, we may feel morally superior to them, because we’re paying so much attention to their sin. We can avoid a self-righteous response if we remember Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 7:3-4: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own?”

There are important differences between righteous boldness and rudeness. Before we rush to confront the sin of other people’s sharp words, we must have the humility to examine our own hearts. We can ask ourselves a few honest questions, like these: “Did my actions, words, or attitude contribute to this conflict, even unintentionally? Is there any amount of truth in their accusation that I need to own? Am I reacting so strongly because their words touched on an area of insecurity or unconfessed sin in my own life?”

More often than not, even if we’re mostly right, there is at least some amount of sin that we need to ask God to help us overcome. Recognizing our own capacity for sin keeps our hearts teachable and prevents us from becoming harsh people.

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5. Intercede through prayer.

A radical and especially powerful response to being wounded by sharp words is to pray for the person who spoke them. In Matthew 5:44, Jesus commands us to love our enemies: “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Praying for them helps us get rid of the bitterness that tries to take root in us after we’re hurt. When we pray for people who have hurt us through their words, we start to change for the better.

It’s nearly impossible to hold onto rage and resentment for someone while sincerely asking God to give them wisdom and to draw them closer to him. Prayer shifts our perspective from our own wounds to their humanity. We start to see them as God sees them: people who are created in his image, but who are struggling in this fallen world, just like the rest of us. We can pray for God to heal their pain and to give us compassion for them. This helps us trust God to handle the situation for the good of everyone concerned.

6. Forgive quickly.

Since God has forgiven us for all of our sins (which have hurt him), God expects us to forgive the people who have hurt us – and he will help us do so. Colossians 3:13 urges us to: “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” The Bible isn’t saying here to forgive only when someone apologizes or deserves it. Instead, it tells us to forgive as the Lord forgave us – which was while we were still sinners, completely undeserving of forgiveness.

We can make the decision to forgive even when we don’t feel like doing so. Forgiveness is a choice to release the other person from the debt they owe you for the pain their sharp words caused you. Holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking spiritual poison, because it leads us to the pain of bitterness, eats away at our joy, and damages our relationships with God.

By choosing to forgive quickly after people hurt us with sharp words, we can prevent more pain from the spiritual harm that comes from unforgiveness. We don’t have to pretend the hurt didn’t happen, and we don’t have to trust the people who hurt us again, unless they’re willing to change and pursue reconciliation with us. But God does expect us to forgive quickly, with his help, every time people’s sharp words hurt us.

7. Stand strong in our God-given identity.

Ultimately, the reason sharp words hurt us so much is that they attack our sense of worth. Sharp words can make us feel unloved and rejected. If we build our identity on the opinions of other people, we’ll be under constant emotional stress, because our feelings about ourselves will change with every compliment and criticism others give us. So, it’s important to remember that our true worth only comes from God, our Creator and Heavenly Father, who loves us completely and unconditionally. When we embrace our true identity as God’s beloved children, other people’s sharp words lose their power over us. Sharp words may still hurt us, but they won’t define us.

In 1 Peter 2:9, the Bible describes who we truly are: “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” This is our true identity. God’s perspective on us is the only one that truly matters.

In conclusion, God’s Holy Spirit will help us confront the sin of sharp words wisely. We don’t need clever responses or louder voices; we just need to follow how the Holy Spirit leads us to deal with sharp words from other people. When we respond gracefully, we can point people toward God’s love and wisdom.